Lovestruckers! Bluffer’s here, guiding you through the mean streets of London’s dating scene. It can be tough out there, especially if your-date-to-be is into ‘wine’ rather than ‘drinking wine’.
Some tips on dating a wine buff.
This is a subtle but important distinction as the world of wine is a big, and seemingly unfathomable one. That’s why we’ve got a whole Bluffer’s Guide on the subject… dating a wine buff.
Bluffer’s Guide to dating a wine buff
But here are the need-to-know tips to get you through the first few dates (after that you can come clean and start mocking your new partner on their apparently exhaustive knowledge of Botrytis and Phylloxera. What? Don’t worry – they’re something to do with a fungus, one good and one bad. The chances are that the date will know nothing about either).
WHY WOULD IT BE DIFFICULT TO DATE A WINE BUFF?
Well, apart from all the swilling and sniffing they’re wont to do, consider that restaurants make most of their profits from wine. A mark-up of 200% is considered almost a minimum and it’s not uncommon for the cost of a bottle of plonk to be jacked up 300–400%. Then consider that this will be added to the bill you’re planning on halving. So you must be bold … suggest going for the ‘house’. Look your date straight in the eye and say: ‘A wine list can be judged to a large extent by the choice of house wine. I suggest we put aside any prejudices and see what it’s like.’
If the ‘sommelier’ dares to sniff with disdain when you order the ‘vin maison’, simply say: ‘Naturally we trust your judgment, and will be very interested to see what you have determined is a suitable wine to complement most of the dishes on your splendid menu.’ The chances are he’ll scurry off and fill a bottle with something half-decent.
SO WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
Being told that a packet of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans (this will only mean something to you if you’ve ever read a Harry Potter book) is hiding in your glass. Buttery, grapey, oaky, flinty, grassy, leafy and toasty are all likely descriptions you might expect to hear. You should also expect to be poured what you might imagine to be tiny glasses of wine. Don’t panic, your date is probably neither a cheapskate nor monitoring the rate at which you drink.
Proper wine-buffs only fill the glass to the widest point, or a third full (unfortunately the lowest degree wins). Once handed your more-than-half-empty glass don’t immediately drain the contents. Hold it by the stem, swill (gently) and then say something like ‘Weighty!’ or ‘Voluptuous, but in an earthy way’. After this initial charade is over, you’re free to sit back and enjoy drinking something a lot better than you’re used to for a change.
SURELY THERE ARE SOME PLUS POINTS?
A great first date idea
Gordon’s wine bar.
Gordon’s Wine Bar
There’s always a silver lining, or a wine-stained one at least. There’s nothing more satisfying than entering a restaurant looking like a couple of hopeless amateurs and leaving with the hard-won respect of the waiting staff. Just as long as you stick to restaurants and wine bars which combine great wines with less-than- astronomical prices.
Gordon’s Wine Bar (Villiers Street) is a classic wine buff’s venue, but good luck finding a bar-stool for your table-barrel after 6 o’clock, and don’t expect to be talked through the wine list by a sommelier (he or she is more likely to be behind a besieged bar trying to keep order). Keep the ‘10 Cases’ bistrot in Covent Garden or ‘40 Maltby Street’, a quirky wine bar and restaurant underneath a railway arch in London’s Bermondsey (near, but not too near Bridget Jones’ now impossibly voguish Borough Market ) as your plans B and C.
MAXIMUM BLUFFING VALUE
Corked wine is not wine with little bits of wine floating around in it. Bits of cork, however unsightly, in no way affect the taste of wine. It’s ‘2,4,6 TCA’ that’s the problem . This nasty chemical compound can crop up when corks are bleached before washing. In fact, if there’s anything wrong with the wine there are a number of things it could be: heat damage, Ladybird taint, oxidisation, refermentation, ad nauseam. So best let your date do the tasting and bow to their expertise. And bear in mind that it’s best never to accuse a screw top of being corked. It can’t be. But it could be ‘screwed’.
DO SAY ‘If one more person invites me to a Beaujolais Nouveau party, I’ll scream! The first bottle isn’t on sale until 21 November!’
DON’T SAY ‘I always just ask for the second cheapest. You can’t go wrong with that, right?’
