Hello Lovestruckers! Bluffer’s here again. We know doing anything in the run up to Christmas is a bun fight, but finding a nice secluded bar in which to while away the hours of a perfect first date is almost as impossible as the itinerary for Father Christmas’ annual round-the-world-in-one-evening slog. So you may as well join the masses.
SO WHERE SHOULD I TAKE THEM?
To Lapland! No, don’t do that, you’ll look far too keen. Try the Christmas markets along London’s Southbank instead. This has become an unmissable festive tradition. Each year the famous graffiti-embellished skate park is sidelined in favour of around 80 alpine chalets.
WAIT, WHAT?
The prettily lit run of wooden shops pops up every year and brings with it every cliché ever contrived by a German Christmas market. Think fake snow, berry-dotted wreaths and Christmas spices. Not forgetting the bratwurst and sauerkraut. For added (and completely serendipitous) atmosphere, time your visit to coincide with the daily choir performance at either 1.30pm or 7pm.
WHERE IS IT?
London’s Southbank, SE1 8XX. Head to Waterloo station (Jubilee, Northern and national rail services) or alight at Embankment (Circle, District, Bakerloo lines) and hop across the Hungerford Bridge, taking in the view of the Shard on the way. Alternatively, ask Rudolph to guide your sleigh.
HOW MUCH?
Free! But only in theory; good luck wandering away without a paper bag full of cinnamon scented candles and beautifully carved (but utterly pointless) wooden reindeers. And that’s not including the consumables: hot chocolate (spiked or otherwise), churros, gingerbread, strudel, mulled wine, gluhwein, and last but not least chimney cake (more on 
that later).
WHAT ELSE IS NEARBY?
The Oxo Tower: home to 8 floors, a pricey restaurant, brassiere and bar, 78 flats and one very impressive (and miraculously free) viewing platform. The London vista from the eighth storey could bring back even the direst date from the brink of disaster. Unless, of course, you let slip that the cinnamon candle you just bought was in fact a present for your mother-in-law.
MAXIMUM BLUFFING VALUE
Once you’ve descended from the lofty heights of the public viewing platform suggest doubling back to the chalet/hut selling chimney cake, aka Kurtos Kalacs (trans. Chimney milk-loaf). This traditional Hungarian delicacy is steeped in history, cooked around a cylindrical wooden block, covered in cinnamon and sugar and cut like a twister, making it great for sharing. Or you could mention that that the free viewing platform you just left only exists because Coin Street Community Builders (CSCB), who were forced to lease the top-floor restaurant to Harvey Nicks to stump up some more cash for their regeneration of the Oxo Tower, stipulated that this viewing platform must remain open to the public. But sugar-coated baked-goods are probably safer conversational territory than planning law.
DO ASK ‘Where are you off to for Christmas this year? Family mansion in the Alps, perhaps? Oh, Skegness. Lovely.’
DON’T SAY ‘I AM SO COLD.’
