Is it just us or has it suddenly got hot in here? Ah, dating coach and sex and relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr is in the building treating us ‘Struckers to a saucy sneak preview from her new dating guide The Laws of Sisterhood.
Here, Dr Pam is helping us ‘get the sex we want’ and two lucky ‘Struckers will be winning a copy of the guide too so read on…
I’d be rich if I had £1 for every time I’d heard, “I can’t tell if they’re attracted to me,” or, “I’m not sure if this is turning into a relationship, or, “I wish I hadn’t said that on our date!” But in the many interviews for my dating guide I realised I’d be really rich for every time I heard, “If only I told him/her what I like in bed when first dating. Now we’re in a relationship I feel I can’t tell them they’re doing things wrong.”
Fear not, if you’ve just started seeing someone you can kick-start the sex you want. Here’s how:
Get the sex you want tip no.1 It begins with you! If you don’t know what turns you on it’s time to get to know your body. Self-pleasure – ‘me time’ of the intimate type – is fantastic. Take time to find out what gets you off and then you’ll be ready to share that with a new partner.
Get the sex you want tip No. 2: Dump the damaging myths – if somehow it’s stuck in your head that ‘good girls’ don’t have sex, scratch that thought. Maybe your parents said sex was dirty or you had a bad experience. But you might not even realise these feelings and myths affect you. For instance, does the idea of having red-hot sex make you feel guilty? A classic sign you harbour negative attitudes. Start telling yourself it’s good to have great sex! That great sex is within your control. Make this a daily mantra so when you’re considering going to bed with someone, you’re thinking, “This is going to be good!”
Get the sex you want tip No. 3: Lead with your behaviour – if you feel shy asking for what you want, lead them into giving it to you. When they’re touching or kissing you in the right way, let out a few sex sounds – little sighs and moans. Or grasp their hand that’s touching you and gently guide it into something that feels pleasurable. Perhaps they’re being a bit rough – pull their hand away and then gently stroke it back and forth across your pleasure-zone. They’ll get the message.
Get the sex you want tip No. 4: Kiss and tell – try taking their fingertip between your lips – gently suck and lick it, then whisper how you’d like that same touch on your pleasure zones. Or kiss and lick across their body, ask if it feels good, and then say you’d love them to do the same to you. As the temperature rises, get the courage to ask for the techniques you like. Simply saying, “That feels so good, please do more,” is likely to do the trick. Or, “It’d be lovely if you did that a bit more gently (or more firmly as the case may be).”
Get the sex you want tip No. 5: Forget about the end ‘goal’ – many who don’t get the sex they want get overly focused on the end ‘goal’ – climax. You’ve probably heard of ‘mindfulness’ – well it’s time to get sexually mindful. Dump any thoughts about the end goal. Focus on how the kissing and touching feels. Enjoy this new person’s warm mouth, the feel of their hands, their body against yours, etc. When you’re in the moment you feel the pleasurable sensations more. When feeling good it builds your confidence to ask for more of what you want.
Get the sex you want tip No. 6: Get playful – if anxious about sex with this new person it’ll come across in your body language. They’ll sense things aren’t right and it’ll make them feel nervous. Nerves spread like the plague! We don’t laugh enough in the bedroom so get playful. Dream up a fun and sexy nickname for them. Or tease them that you’re going to take control and they’ll have to do as you ask. Icebreakers in the bedroom are as important as icebreakers when you met up for a first date.
Get the sex you want tip No. 7: They may feel the same way – that new person you’re in the middle of foreplay with may be just as nervous as you. They might’ve had bad sexual experiences or third rate sex. Let it give you confidence that you’re both learning about each other. And they probably want to please you as much as you want to be pleased… and to please them.
Enjoy these sex tips?
Dr Pam’s new dating guide THE LAWS OF SISTERHOOD is jam packed with tips and advice on how to be ‘date successful’ and find the one.
We’ve got two copies of the guide up for grabs for two lucky winners. To get your hands on a copy, look out for our RT to win tweet @Lovestruck Good luck!