For whatever reason, you split up, got divorced or you are leading separate lives. It hurt, but you moved on. But then something throws you. They get in touch or your hear a tune that used to be ‘your’ song or, you hear they’re single again and hell, you’re lonely and maybe there’s still an open door because you didn’t end that badly, really? Breathe.
If you decide to return to an ex, there’s nothing we can say that’ll stop you but here are a few tips on how to give it the best possible chance of success.
Jen, just incase Brad comes a’knocking, this one’s for you…
Third party deception: It is possible to go back to an ex and live happily ever after but your chances of success depend largely on what went wrong in the first place. One of you falling in love with another person takes some getting over, but when they’re one of the hottest people on the planet, it’s almost impossible to forgive them. But, if you decide to give it one more shot because other than them falling in love with someone else, you were still good together, you need to throw all that resentment in the bin. Taking them back but then making them suffer with little digs and reminders of how they wronged you, is a sure way of dooming any rekindled relationship. Sure, have one big talk about your concerns and tell them how they feel (they owe you that) then decide if they are saying what you want to hear and move on, with or without them.
Outside stress: Couples who split up as a result of ‘outside stress’ such as one of them being made redundant, having an illness or a family beareavement etc, often realise that when the emotional stuff has settled down that they parted for the wrong reasons. It wasn’t that there was anything necessarily wrong with the relationshop, just that it was a victim of bad luck/timing. These couples stand a good chance of making things work and should try if both parties are willing.
Coming around again: Maybe you didn’t split for any real reason other than the fact you drifted apart. But if you find yourself drifting back together, be sure to have the conversation on how you stick together this time, chat about where you think either of you let go and why, and work through any previous issues systematically.
People change: Don’t assume after a long split that they’ll be the same person. Things will have happened in their lives, and he will have gone through experiences you perhaps know nothing of. In some ways you need to treat the relationship as an entirely new one and not just as if you’re picking up the threads of an old one.’ But once a cheater? Well, sometimes people change, mellow, grow-up or realise you were infact, the best thing that ever happened to them.
The point of no return. Ever.
We’d be pretty irresponsible if we didn’t mention that a violent partner should never, ever be returned to. Someone wanting to control you to the point of physically harming your good self (and no, it is never, ever your fault) needs to seriously jog on. Permanently.